Hot Tub Time Machine

Well didn't I just love every second of this movie! Total fluff, and even for a ridiculous fantastical movie nothing makes sense. And I loved every second of it. I loved it because the film maker isn't trying to trick you into thinking that in the movie anyone takes themselves seriously. From start to finish it is just plain fun. It's an amazing cast, and despite the fact that the story line is ridiculous and completely unbelievable, it's oddly compelling. Who hasn't been waiting at least 10 years to see John Cusack transported back to the 80s? No one.

My only beef is the cast is full of hilarious and talented male actors; not the best looking group of fellas, but not one chick in the movie is less than a 9. Craig Robinson captured my heart as Darryl in the Office and I basically love everything else he's ever done. The bouncer in Knocked Up was a tiny role and my most quoted movie line. His delivery nails it "I'm not saying you're too old for this world. Just too old for this club."

John Cusack has a special place in my heart. I honestly think he is probably a bit of a one note. I don't get so much variety from his characters, but I love him regardless. With some actors (Jennifer Aniston, Jim Carrey) I'm bored to tears because 90% of their characters are the exact same with different names, but I never get sick of John. Never.

Don't even get me started on Rob Corddry. I love him enough to not even point out the completely superfluous "d" in his last name that under normal circumstances would piss me off. I pretty much want to make out with anyone who has ever been on the Daily Show, and Rob is no exception. Hilarious and smart. It's the sexiest combination I can think of in a man. Sadly for women, even as is proven in this movie, the most important quality is hot body, then face, then hair, and if all those are enough to attract a dude to you, a personality will keep them around. Us average looking chicks don't stand a chance. Women are just better people. We are attracted to personality and intelligence and what kind of a person he is. All of those things affect a man's appearance to me. That's science. I digress.

This movie is good.

The Ugly Truth

I love a sappy, romantic comedy, the more unrealistic the better. OR SO I THOUGHT. For some reason I just don't like Katherine Heigl either. I don't know why, it's inexplicable. She isn't believable to me as a straight laced business woman. I felt the same way about Knocked Up, a movie I like to say I loved "in spite of her" being in it. I did still enjoy The Ugly Truth, but as much as I like a far fetched love story, but these characters have attributes that I don't want to see changed. Love requires some compromise, of course. But if you're a control freak who has a checklist of criteria you want in a man - you go girl! That's not a crime. And if you're a super hot stud who wants to bang the hottest chick he can find? Go for it. Not that neither of these people will never settle or change their beliefs, but this movie progresses too quickly from one to the other, based on nothing besides looks. Yes, it's a movie. I know how movies work. But if Katherine Heigl's character were played by a dumpy overweight brunette who wears glasses, but had the exact same personality, Gerard Butler's character wouldn't have given a damn about how quirky she is.

Shutter Island

I just loved it. Ignorance alert: I didn't know that it was originally a book. I consider myself pretty intelligent but I can't possibly know about every book out there can I? I think Leonardo DiCaprio is awesome, but I'm about done with his accents. We get it, you're from Boston like 85% of the time. I find that most actors have a hard time committing 100% to accents, and annoyingly particular people like me will notice.

The first scene of the movie also caused me some annoyance. A giant boat is taking Leo (Teddy Daniels) and his new partner Mark Ruffalo (Chuck) to a mental hospital on an island reminiscent of Alcatraz. The scenes from the upper deck of the boat look fake. I had visions of an SNL skit where they are clearly standing on a fake ship bow in front of a blue screen with an image of water behind them; pretending to sway back and forth. I was scared this was a sign of things to come so I lowered my expectations, but I really enjoyed the movie. You know there is going to be a twist, but in my opinion, and as someone who had never heard the story before, I didn't think it was what it was. I guessed Chuck was bad, that Dr. Cauley (the hospital's psychiatrist) was bad, I pretty much assumed everyone was bad, but I didn't predict what happened.

It is a tragic story. And I think it would make any of us insane. Right or wrong, if your spouse kills your three children and seems downright unaffected by it, I can get on board with the murderous feelings you would have for them. I haven't struggled with a serious mental illness like that myself, and I won't presume to know what it's like inside someone's head who is seriously disturbed, but I can tell you I'm not sure I would have much sympathy regardless of their mental state. You killed my kids, I think temporary or prolonged insanity will ensue. That's what happened to Leo whose real name we find out is Andrew Laedddis (an anagram of Edward Daniels - the identity he assumes). He was driven so insane by his wife's actions that he retreats into a special world inside his mind, where this hasn't happened to him. His wife was tragically killed in a fire, but he never had children, so he can't feel the pain of losing them.

There are other great elements to the story as well. He also creates a woman whose name is an anagram of his dead wife's. THIS woman killed her three children in the fashion that Teddy's wife did, and got herself locked up for it. Dr. Cauley as well as Dr. Sheehan (who was masquerading as Teddy's partner Chuck to help him) really do want nothing but the best for Andrew. They are trying everything they can to snap him out of his paranoid delusion so that the powers that be won't perform a lobotomy, as Andrew's delusions are often so violent he has nearly killed other patients. It's unclear to me at the end what happens to Andrew. It appears that he's back to himself, and realizes his name is Andrew, his children are dead and he killed his wife. Dr. Cauley explains this has happened before and that Andrew still reverted back to Teddy. But maybe this is it? However when approached by Dr. Sheehan, he calls him Chuck and the nod is given to call in the death squad. I suspect that Andrew didn't return to his fantasy world, and simply prefers to have the lobotomy to stop the thoughts in his head all the time. Every minute of every day he lives with the fact that his wife methodically drowned his three young children, an that the killed his wife for it. After years of suffering maybe a lobotomy to remove all those memories (what he's told will happen) is a gift. Just my theory, but I think it's not unreasonable.

Law Abiding Citizen

I just love this movie. Everything about it, and all the people it in. I don't have children, but I can tell you if someone tortured and murdered my spouse and child in front of me while I lay helpless, I'd want nothing more than to spend 10 years plotting my revenge. A brutal, bloody revenge. What is prison to someone who has to live every day with the images of a small child being killed right before you? Jamie Foxx's character ADA Nick Rice takes a "deal" to let the killer of Gerard Butler (Clyde Shelton's) family's killers get a shortened sentence by turning evidence against the other killer. From his first kill, I'm hooked. He's brutal, heartless, meticulous, and I don't blame him one bit. He tells Rice he would have been happier NOT taking the deals, and losing the case if it meant he tried and put the killers on trial. That's powerful stuff. He knows that the legal system doesn't always work, but he refuses to give in to the games that make it corrupt. In his quest he kills innocent people, anyone who was involved in his family's case, and eventually himself. But he dies because Nick Rice refuses to make a deal with him for his life - and that makes him happy. He dies when his work is done and even a godless chick like me believes that man will be with his wife and daughter.

Just hate them California bitches, ya'll!

I'm an equal opportunity hater of hypocrites. Political, musical, what have you. I go to the gym every morning and prefer to run to music rather than the news. I surf through several channels and often end up on CMT because they have the fewest commercials, and I don't mind country music. Gretchen Wilson who I have just discovered I really like, has a song dedicated to southern women and their superiority to the little twigs in California with their fake boobs and tiny waists. But she sings it wearing a tiny bikini, with a tiny waist and perfect body. Really? This is your argument that you're a real woman unlike the Paris Hiltons of the world? Say what you will about Paris Hilton (and I have plenty to say on that), she doesn't have fake boobs either. Give Gretchen a little dog and take off her hat and what's the difference? Gretchen sings about southern women not being afraid to eat fried chicken, but doesn't look like she's more than smelled it in a hot decade. The lyrics don't match the image GiGi. Real men want a real woman. Provide she looks slammin in a bikini and parades around in one all day. There is an actual lyric bashing "California Girls" for having no meat on their bones! Where is Gretchens???

California Girls

Well I ain't never had a problem with California
There's a lot of good women, from Sacramento to Corona
But them Hollywood types, after a while wear on ya
Strutin' around in their size zeros,
Skinny little girls no meat on their bones
Never even heard of George Jones

CHORUS
Ain't you glad we ain't all California girls
Ain't you glad there's still a few of us left, who know how to rock your world
Ain't afraid to eat fried chicken and dirty dance to Merle
Ain't you glad we ain't all California girls

There ain't nothing wrong with plastic surgery
Well, Dolly Parton never looked so good to me
Everybody oughta be exactly who they want to be
But that Paris Hilton gets under my skin
With her big fake smile and her painted on tan
Never had a chance at a real man

(chorus X2)

Gamer

Ya know? When push comes to shove, I am a red blooded woman, and I can't avoid a Gerard Butler movie for too long. He's so dreamy. Swoon. Well, he done let me down. Sure, you can tell from the previews exactly what kind of movie it's going to be, but the cast was pretty great. (OK the cast was mildly above average) Kyra Sedgwick, Amber Valetta, Michael C. Hall, my boy Gerry. But it delivered exactly what you expect. Crap.

In the interest of full disclosure I'll admit that I couldn't even full focus on the movie. I was watching at home and my mind wandered, I surfed the web, I text messaged. But what I did watch did not excite me. I feel like this is one of those movies people will watch in a few decades and laugh about what we silly people in the early 2000s thought technology would be like. Some kid laying in a huge empty room, random images pop up on the screen, people pop in as virtual, video phone calls that you don't even have to answer. And if several come at once, they go to different places (in the air) and can also see each other. The basic premise is horrendous. Very reminiscent of Death Race which wasn't all that either. Take a death row inmate, have them fight to kill each other and broadcast it for the masses. In Gamer the creepy killers have a chip implanted in their head that their "gamers" link to and control. It started innocently enough. The average Joe Schmo can sign up to control a gorgeous actor in a virtual world, hook up with other gorgeous people, and live a fantasy life. All the while being a big fat gross slob eating waffles whole swimming in syrup (I actually had to look away).

I can't even get any more into it. Nothing about it was good. I am terribly disappointed!

Legion

Oh good lord, where do I begin. There is almost nothing good about this movie. What a shame considering the cast is phenomenal and there was some potential with the story line. It was a failure all around. I have no idea what the plot was, or what the goal of the plot was. Gabriel and Michael are angels sent down to earth to punish humans for taking advantage of God's will or something. There is one pregnant lady whose child is going to save humanity. We don't know who the father is, who she is, or why this kid is special. There's a random collection of people who show up at a diner in the middle of nowhere and fight together to protect an unborn child who will save them all.

Michael the angel has decided he wants to go against God and fight on the side of the humans. Gabriel the angel is doing what daddy says and they square off. Michael dies, goes to heaven and then COMES BACK. Seriously, stabbing an angel with a sword maybe not the best tactic? So the trailer park lady gives birth to her baby, then moments later is back in fighting form, racing around, scaling mountains and seemingly in no pain and not showing an signs of having given birth. New Jesus's mom, the mildly retarded mechanic who she has been living with (not the baby daddy but he loves her) and a random teenage girl are driving away from Gabriel while he flies at that and tries to kill them. They finally manage to shake Gabriel while flipping the car. New mom and newborn baby are naturally fine despite not wearing seat belts. The healthy teenage girl somehow died, but despite being a main character throughout the movie, mechanic man simply says "Is she?" and trailer mom shakes her head no. So we clearly don't care about anyone.

Michael has come back, kills Gabriel, all is well, the happy WT family stands on a cliff with their new Jesus baby who will save the world. Pretty sure I didn't miss anything.

Daybreakers

I did not love this movie. I love vampires (grown up ones, not teen ones), and sci fi and all that jazz, but this movie was too hokey. There were so many missed opportunities. I liked the general premise, but everything in the movie moves way too fast. We start out focused on Edward (played by Ethan Hawke. SERIOUSLY do we need another lead vampire named Edward right now?) who we quickly learn is a human loving vampire, who wants to do away with human farming and find a synthetic blood or a cure for vampires. He soon meets a human named Elvis. His real name is Lionel but he goes by Elvis because his heart restarted, or something equally cheesey. Elvis was a human turned vampire turned human. Ed thinks it's impossible, but when Elvis tells him how he did it, he can't resist. He too wants to be burned alive, then have the fire put out, then have his heart start burning again. Naturally. So Ed gets humanized and he, Elvis, and human hottie Audrey go vampire-huntin. First stop, the home of one of Ed's former coworkers, who sets them up and captures Audrey. Ed and Elvis run, Ed's brother tracks them down and feeds on Elvis. Turns out that human turned vampire turned human blood is a cure that doesn't involve a personal barbecue, but humanizes vampires lickity split. So now Ed has a way to get back at his old boss. A man whose own daughter abandoned him when he became a vampire and she refused to turn. She's later captured as part of a human round up, daddy dearest has her turned, she goes rogue and gets killed for real. It all happens so fast you don't even have time to care. Frankie (Ed's brother) apparently feels bad for some reason, even though we don't learn anything about him or what's happened to cause this change of heart. He's always got tears in his eyes, like he's feeling some great emotion, but we're just not a part of it.

There is so much potential in this movie, but zero character development. There is a hint at a romance between Ed and Audrey, and I thought maybe they'd throw Frankie a bone. There's not even really an ending. I guess everyone ends up getting killed except for Ed, Elvis and Audrey, but who knows what's going on in the rest of the world. The vampires unknowingly cure themselves by feeding on humans that were vampires that were humans, but then other vampires eat them, it's a whole thing.

Ethan Hawke was awesome. He's back, baby. His voice is a tiny bit annoying. It's very "Batman when he's trying to sound different than Bruce Wayne", but he makes it very sexy. All the vampires smoke, and it's so funny how foreign it is to see socially acceptable smoking in movies these days.

I enjoyed the movie, it was entertaining on a purely superficial level, but I didn't feel like it was one of the best vampire movies I've seen. Plus aside from not being able to die, these vampires had no special skills. Where's your super strength and lightening speed!

I just wanted to know the characters better. All of them. I can't even remember Ed's boss's name, or his daughter's name, or the vampire doctor's name. And I just saw the movie about an hour ago.

Invictus

Loved the movie, hate myself for being so ignorant about the world around me. I mean, I knew Nelson Mandela was in jail for 27 years. I knew he got out. I knew he eventually went on to be the president. And quite frankly that's where my "knowing" ends. Not that the movie was 100% historical truth, but I didn't know what, if any, impact Mandela had on his country. I didn't know if people (blacks, whites and everyone in between) loved him or hated him. I didn't know what the hell rugby was. Quite frankly I still don't. Like football and soccer combined or something.

The movie is wonderful. Matt Damon is great in it. You expect Morgan Freeman to be great. He's Morgan Freeman. But Matt Damon wouldn't be shooting guns and disarming bombs while evading the authorities, so I was worried. His character was humble, and he came across as humble playing him. We get a great look at what South Africa was like just after Mandela's election. Simply put, blacks were proud and loved him, the whites thought he was going to ruin the country. I'm sure he brought the country together in more ways that through rugby, but in Invictus, we see that he got the entire country of South Africa behind the rugby team during a time when the blacks hated them, based solely on principal. He mandated that the team go, during their busiest training season, to every village in South Africa and train with the youth. They endeared themselves to their people, their people stood behind them, and they won the World Cup. I'm simplifying it, but while it probably took years of training and endurance and blood and sweat and tears; it seemed simple. Get the country to stand together for one united rugby team, and they will learn to work and live together. It's beautifully shown when a small black boy, who travels (it seems alone) to the World Cup with no ticket. You almost get suspicious because he's loitering around a car full of cops fidgeting in his bag. Does he have a gun? Why would he have a gun? He's so tiny! Turns out he just wanted to hear their radio and listen to the match. He slowly works his way over closer to the car, sits on the hood, is seen drinking a soft drink, and when South Africa wins the policemen hoist the boy up on their shoulders and cheer. In a couple of hours they went from shooing the boy away from them, to cheering with him for the rugby team. It was really remarkable.

I highly recommend it!

The Taking of Pelham 123

I almost didn't review this movie because it was so blah. Denzel Washington and John Travolta are basically tied as my favorite actors of all time. Travolta because he's so incredibly versatile. He plays goofy, funny, sexy, a woman, serious, and apparently vindictive. His acting in the movie was top notch. I adore Denzel Washington because he emotes with his face, and barely has to say a word. He played the same exact character he plays in every other movie, but in a lower tax bracket. He's a soft spoken do gooder who always saves the day. You might question his motives at first, but he always comes through. Halfway through I was convinced that he was a bad guy. Probably because I wanted so desperately for him to do something different. This isn't a role that I would have thought John Travolta could pull off, but he did. Denzel, well, of course he pulled this off. Even in American Gangster, the movie where he does play a bad guy, you find yourself wanting him to win. He plays the role with such class and control. He's a bad guy from the start, but one you'd like to take home to your mother. Not like John in Pelham 123. He's pure evil until the end. He's a rotten guy who got caught, served his time, got out, and became more rotten. I just love him.

The movie itself was not great. Too many stupid things happen that just make your eyes roll a little bit. A teen has his web came hooked up and is chatting with his girlfriend while he's on the train. After he's taken hostage, they lose connection, they regain connection when the computer is thrown perfectly under the seat, not harming it, but setting into into position to show everything going on, AND the girlfriend is somehow smart enough to stream the feed live on the news. Even though she's pissed that he won't say he loves her. He's a hostage with a gun to his head and one of them has already been killed, but she needs to know he loves her. So now Denzel and his cohorts have eyes on the train, know who they are dealing with, and make their move. There's a heroic moment where the terrorists led by Travolta are going to kill a random passenger; a woman traveling with her young son. A man steps in front of the gun and sacrifices his life for her. That's it. He's dead, and on with the movie. They never touch on it again, and though it's a movie, I wanted more for this man.

Travolta, "Ryder" wants $10,000,000. Either an arbitrary number made up to throw the police of the trail of what they are really doing, or money that "Ryder" is using to pay off his team. Ryder has already used a few million he saved from the last time he embezzled, and bought something in the stock market, which somehow sky rocketed when he took hostages on the subway. Am I nuts or just stupid? Why does the stock market race for the stars when there is a hostage situation? Before he's killed Ryder's up to over $300 million from his little stint playing the market. I didn't get it.

We hear hints here and there that Denzel's character Garber is being investigated for accepting a bribe and has been demoted at work pending an investigation. Works out well for Ryder. He uses it to create some common ground between the two men, and when the man on Ryder's team who is going to drive the train gets killed, he can demand Garber come into the tunnel and take over, Garber being a former "motor man". We never find out if they were trumped up charges or if Garber took $35K. I really hate it when events in movies seem to have real purpose and deeper meaning and they are just crap used to leapfrog to something more important. I feel like they could have found a better way to get under Garber's skin, and find out about him. So there isn't an internet article about him being accused of taking a bribe...maybe we can have Ryder hack into the transit authority database and find out Garber has two kids and threaten them. Or say they are going to his wife's house to...I don't care, punch her in the jeans.

I liked the movie because I like movies. I like watching John Travolta shock and surprise me. I like watching Denzel Washington PERIOD. That man ages really well. Too many holes in the flick, folks.